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Friday, 26 June 2009

I Hate Having No Idea

I hate having no idea what to do. I hate feeling like I am up against this wall and have to go either Right or Left and don't have the slightest inclination as to which is the correct path. One is very right, the other very wrong. I hate it. I just wish that I knew what direction to go in so that I didn't feel so lost. I wish that I knew which direction to go so that I could start working towards that route.

Sometimes Faith is the absolute HARDEST THING in the world to have and live by. I know that as people we want to feel like we are 100% in control of everything that goes on, but, I'm not even asking for THAT. I am simply asking to know which way to go so that I don't have to stand here and cry...wondering.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

When The Time Comes

Life and time are strange things. They rarely, if ever, play out the way we expect which, is why the saying, "The plans of mice and of men often go awry" is so popular.

Faced with the important decisions of life, such as, where you are going to go and what you are going to do, often times...we feel stifled. You don't want to make a mistake because you know that a mistake now will possibly effect your forever.

I am now facing that decision. I have finished college, have my degree and certification, and I am now being face with the choice.

It is time to go:

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

In Case You Are Wondering...I remember

I remember. I remember moving into my old house in New Jersey. I remember getting run over by my next door neighbor riding her bicycle and that incident causing us to fast become best friends. I remember the summers. I remember swimming in the pool, walking to the Dunkin Donuts that they put on the Boulevard (which quite frankly I don't even know what the NAME of the Boulevard WAS, we always just called it by what it is). I remember the bike races that were always planned but never held. The softball games down at the little league field. The walks down the the library to watch the fireworks on the fourth of July. I remember the barbeque's at Grandma and Poppie's house. Swimming in their pool until they ended up with a rip in the liner and then had to take the pool down (saddest day ever).

I remember VBS. I remember the songs, the Bible Verse games and winning the prizes. I remember collecting the stickers and doing the crafts and getting excited because the BEST crafts and snacks were always on either Thursday or Friday. I remember Harvey Cuchula from Missoula, Montana.

I remember graduating from 8th grade. I remember the White Water Rafting class trip where out of 100 people I was the first to fall out of the boat. I remember meeting my best friend on that trip. I remember walking down the isle and almost tripping because of the heels I was wearing for the ceremony. I remember thinking 8th grade graduation was the biggest deal of my life. Now I feel like 8th grade graduation was so young. I was so little.

I remember auditioning for chorale and getting into Girls Ensemble. I remember going to rehearsal every week. I remember Mom getting upset because she had to drive me all the time. I didn't understand it then but I definitely do now. I remember auditioning for Chorale again and once again getting into Girls Ensemble. The third year I didn't even audition. I didn't do Choir either. I took that year off...I remember that.

I remember going with The Continentals on a tour of the West Coast. I remember the performances and all the hundreds of slices of Pizza that I ate that summer. It was enough to make me never want to eat pizza again. I remember singing with Avalon in Las Angeles at one of their concerts. I remember making friends that we promised "we will keep in touch" and then...you never do. I remember falling for a guy named Tommy, talking to him for a month or so after tour...and...now I don't know where he is, but, I remember where he was from.

I remember senior year. I remember making Chorale. I remember all the fun that it was. I remember working my first job and for the first time ever having a little bit of disposable income. I remember going to the National Competition at Bob Jones University. I remember us winning. I remember the bus drive home. I remember Jeff. I remember Jr/Sr Banquet. I remember getting home at 4:00 in the morning with Jenna and us sneaking in while my Dad was getting up for work. I remember the graduation itself. I remember walking down the isle feeling, yet again, like this was the biggest moment of my life. I remember talking to Jeff. I remember that being the night that so many things in my life changed. I had hopes for the most amazing summer ever. I was an adult now. Road trips with friends, going down the shore to hang out. Doing fun things. Fun things that were planned, but never happened. We were all to busy. To busy with work, to busy with heartbreak, to busy realizing that becoming an adult doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want, becoming an adult means that you are now responsible FOR doing the things that you want.

I remember my first day of college. I remember the friends that I made. I remember having the most difficult instructor in the entire school for World History I. I remember being so concerned that I was going to do poorly, and ending up doing alright. I remember Spanish class. I remember making up my entire Final because I didn't learn a single thing the entire semester.

I remember getting engaged. I remember that changing so many things in my life. I remember making plans to move to Arizona. I remember...I remember knowing in my heart that getting engaged and moving was the wrong thing, yet, I did it anyway, because, I wanted to feel like I was in control of something.

I remember my Dad getting a job offer in Maine. I remember packing the house, and Mom going nuts because from all the stress. I remember deciding that when I got my own place to live, I would never buy anything because packing is the biggest hassle in the world. It isn't until you begin to pack up everything that you own that you realize how much you actually own.

I remember moving to Maine. I remember our house. I remember riding my bike up and down the dirt road that we lived on. I remember our pool. I remember the beautiful weather and our church that I loved. I remember my room. I had the greatest room. I remember the rain. It rained almost the entire summer. I remember all the songs that I listened to in my room. I remember relatives coming to visit. I remember the outlet mall that Mom and I went to so many times. I remember Jon. I remember that summer. I loved that summer. It was, quite possibly the most amazing and wonderful summer of my life. I will, on occasion, sit and think about it all...and miss it all...more than anything. If I had to pick a point in time to go back to...and re-live...it would be that. Granted that there were hard times...alot of hard times...my Dad ended up losing his job and having to go back to New Jersey while Mom and I stayed in Maine with Jon, Tim and Joy. But...for some reason...the good outweighs the bad of that summer. And I miss it.

I remember moving to Arizona. I remember the four day drive to get out here. I remember the heartbreak and depression that followed because...I knew that it was wrong. I remember my first apartment. I remember hating it. I remember feeling sick all the time because all I wanted was to be home, back with my family, in New Jersey. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to go back to when I was happy.

I remember my first job in Arizona. I remember hating my managers. I remember falling for Brad. I remember leaving Joey.

I remember getting illegally fired. I remember not knowing what to do.

I remember returning to college...and finding out what I am going to do with my life.

So...here I sit. Memories later. Years later. Crossing the threshold yet again with more memories.

I am graduating college tomorrow. Years of hard work behind me. Years of growing, maturing, making mistakes and learning from them. The road to becoming who you are is hard. The decisions that seem small at the time yet ripple out into your future are amazing. I miss everything. If I could go back and change things...would I? I don't know. Would I like to, yes, of course. There are so many things I would have said, decisions I would have made differently. If I had made the decisions differently, would I still end up being where I am, knowing what I know, on the same path?

I remember...

Saturday, 13 June 2009

"What a long, strange trip it's been"

    There are so many things that I wish I could say but, unfortunately I feel I am not eloquent enough to convey the feelings behind the words.
    A majority of my friends and family, along with myself, have graduated this year and whether it be from highschool or college it is at this time we take our footsteps into the world. We have our high hopes of what we can become if we work hard enough. Never looking back we push forward, our memories of the past only being present because, no one chooses to remember otherwise.
    It is with hugs and tears we bid farewell to those that have molded us into the person we are. The instructors and friends that have been with us throughout the long, hard road. The laughs that you have shared are never to be forgotten and, the unknown future looming ahead these are the moments in time you will find comfort in.
    Your dreams have been shared with your best friends. You have come to know these people so well they are like family. You know their hard times, their goods times, where they have been and where they want to go. "I promise we will keep in touch" is a sentence that has become commonplace along with, "I wonder where we will all be five years from now."
    Hardships will be faced. More tears will be shed. The future will hold joy and despair not because of who you are but, more so because, that is life. If there was no hardship then we would not enjoy our accomplishments. "Iron sharpens iron" and settling for mediocrity is compromising who you could truly become.

Graduates of 2009 I raise my glass to you. Remember the good times and the lessons you have learned. Let your grudges go and walk forward with your heads high and your hearts full. Never compromise your dreams for they are precious and never make someone else's dreams your own. Take everything in stride. The tests and hardships will come but don't allow them to knock you down. Face them and overcome them. You are not alone in this race, we are all running alongside you, cheering you on. You can do it!